Lillian Gwenyth Jensen

I listen to a lot of music that people might consider “feminist”. I love Lizzo, the Regrettes, and Kate Nash. I listen to their songs when I need to feel empowered and happy. But there’s a trend in this type of “feminist” music that just doesn’t sit very well with me. These women singing and performing are clearly very powerful and independent women. And I love that, and it’s a main reason that I love listening to their music so much. However, at least in their music, they sometimes tie their worth as a powerful woman to being able to control men. Essentially, it seems like they’re saying that a woman can’t truly be powerful and independent unless they could be with a man, but choose not to be.

My therapist has been working with me for the last few weeks on acknowledging my inherent worth. The fact is that most of my anxiety comes from the fact that I often feel like I have less worth than other people. In our session this morning, I brought up these artists who sing about feminism and independence, and how it’s sometimes problematic to me that they tie a woman’s power to being able to control men. I brought it up because this is another thing, of many, that affects the way that I see my own worth. I’ll explain why.

I believe myself to be a strong, beautiful, intelligent, and largely independent woman. However, I also don’t seem to have much sway over men. And this isn’t some pity party where I’m saying that I’m not pretty enough, or not worth anything because men don’t seem to fall for me like they do for other girls and women around me. That would go directly contrary to what I am trying to learn with my therapist. My point is just that I’ve spent my whole life wondering why, if I am such an amazing person, men don’t fall for me. And this is something that I have to work through on my own. But based on the messages of these feminist musicians that I listen to, the fact that men aren’t all over me means I’m not as strong as I otherwise would be.

I’ll illustrate what I mean by this. The song I’ve been thinking about particularly while I write this blog post is Like A Girl by Lizzo. I love this song and it’s one of my favorites to listen to when I need to get pumped up for something, but there is one line that just irk me a little bit, for the reasons I mentioned above. “I work my femininity / I make these boys get on their knees”(Lizzo). I love the whole song, except this line. To me, it implies that in order to be really feminine and strong in one’s femininity, a woman has to have all these men essentially at her disposal.

Another example from Lizzo is in her song Juice. This is another one I love to listen to. It’s a powerful song about embracing your body and loving yourself, but there’s another part that implies the necessity of people finding you attractive to be really strong. “Somebody come get this man / I think he got lost in my DM’s, what?” Again, this line implies that it’s not our inherent worth as human beings that should give us confidence, but rather the adoration of men, who we may choose to ignore.

There are probably other examples from Lizzo, but let’s look at the other artists I mentioned at the beginning of my post: The Regrettes and Kate Nash. Let’s take an example from the song How it Should Be by the Regrettes. This one starts of fine, with “Lots and lots of girls, they feel so worthless / they depend on him, to make them feel again”. From this line, I just hope that there will be something legitimately empowering afterward, but no. Instead, we get: “I don’t want you, cause I don’t need you”. Again, basing strength on the fact that she could have him if she wanted, but chose not to. which, granted, can be empowering, but when that’s the only message you hear, it’s problematic.

Let’s look at one more example. Kate Nash’s song Merry Happy. Again, a great song, with the same problem. In it, she sings: “you make me merry, make me very very happy / But you obviously, you didn’t want to stick around / so I learnt from you” this one is subtler, but again, I get the impression that in order to be a truly strong woman, I have to have these option and say no.

I’d really love to think that I am one of these women who men always fall for. But I’m not. I’ve never been asked out on a date, and very few guys have ever expressed interest in me in any way other than as friends. And it seems like society would have me believe that this makes me weaker and worth less than other women who do have that. And maybe this trend in society is a result of women being told for hundreds of years that they’re literally only worth something if they’re married, so these women over-compensate and try to prove their worth by showing that even though they have that option, they don’t need a man to be happy.

But nothing I can do will prove my worth. No matter how perfect my life is, no matter how funny and charming and beautiful I am, there will still be people who don’t like me. Hopefully there will also be people who do like me, but it’s okay if they don’t. Because how other people see or treat me has nothing to do with my worth. My worth as a human being is inherent and unchangeable. Being adored by my peers, male or female, won’t change that. Getting perfect grades won’t change that. having lots of friends won’t change that. Being an amazing artist, or musician, or writer, or mathematician, or literally anything else will. not. change. my. worth.

As I write this, I’m not sure I believe it. Understanding and accepting my inherent worth is going to be a process. I’m sure I will be working on this to some extent for the rest of my life. But I’m getting closer. And I hope that everyone can realize their inherent worth. Because once I do, I know it will be so freeing. I can already feel the freedom. I want to believe it. Because once I do, I can let go of other people’s expectations and live life entirely for myself. I won’t be trying to impress anyone anymore. And I won’t feel worthless because I don’t “make these boys get on their knees” as it were. I applaud women who can, but I don’t have to be one of them to be a truly powerful and independent woman.